Accepting My Recovered Body

So people asked Team Recovery if we could write about accepting your body once you are at your recovered weight.  As I have been at my target weight for seven years and like my body, I thought I'd give it a go to explain my journey.

I'll admit I did not love my healthy weight overnight. I remember the agony of going up a dress size and feeling like the world had ended. Going up a dress size to me meant giving up anorexia that little bit more.

In my first stages of recovery, when I was deep within the thralls of anorexia, I would cry if I gained 1kg. It was such a hard thing to explain to people - why such 'little' amount of weight gain had a devastating affect on me. Yet when I reached my 'turning point' and fully dedicated myself to recovery, I started to see this weight gain as a valuable step towards having my life back. Yes, I still often felt 'fat' and at times I felt so huge I didn't want to see anyone.

I guess what helped me was that I had started to see myself in the mirror for what I actually looked like. What was reflected in the mirror was not the grotesque, fat, gluttonous girl I expected. Instead I was faced with an emaciated, skeletal young child. I didn't want to look this way anymore. I wanted dresses to look good on me.

Most of all, weight gain equalled independance. It meant I could go to university; keep my job; go on holidays and nights out; be treated as an adult and make my own decisions.

It is hard to explain how I have managed to accept my body how it is. I suppose as I recovered and the more determined I was to beat anorexia, I realised that I was never going to be fat. I am at my natural body weight and what I like best is that I have curves now. I like the way my waist curves and that I have hips; I dress for my body shape; I love showing off my long legs; I love having breasts especially as they keep on growing :D

Although I don't believe compliments 100% yet, the fact that so many people comment on my 'great figure', I started to see it too.

I can look at the picture on this post and love what I see. I look healthy and happy :)

I like my body... in fact I even love it!

Recovery is everything I imagined and more. I never thought I’d be how I am today - I eat all anorexia’s ‘forbidden foods’; I never count calories or check the fat content of foods; I eat whenever and whatever I want; …I am not dictated by clothes size; I wear clothes that flatter and show off my shape; I have boobs; I live life to the full & enjoy new experiences; I’m not ashamed of the fact I used to have an eating disorder - it has shaped me into the person I am today, and recovering has helped me to make amazing friends and given me amazing opportunities. Anorexia does not control me. I will ALWAYS speak out about my eating disorder as how else will people know how absolutely amazingly awesome recovery is!!!!!

It frustrates me that we live in a world where people have to wait for treatment; that people are told ‘lose more weight and then you’ll qualify for treatment’; that there is so much stigma attached to eating disorders still and society thinks we do it for attention. Eating disorders kill. Eating disorders are a mental health illness. Recovery is more possible with early intervention. That’s my wish. To help every sufferer to recover. IT IS POSSIBLE.

Drawings from Therapy

My snail journey picture at the beginning of my time with my counsellor :)

These are the thoughts that go on in my head from the person I call Ursula. She was my symbolism of anorexia; now she is the symbolism of my self-critical voice. My previous counsellor is the butterfly reminding me of all the good qualities I have

Inside the house on my snail journey of recovery. The monsters are how I see the things I have to overcome. Luckily on my journey I have overcome about 70% of the list!

Recovery is not a Race

Try not to think of recovery as a race. There is no time limit. Go and your own pace; what feels right for you. Sadly there is no magic formula but recovery is possible! I would say I am almost at the end of my recovery journey and I honestly hope to celebrate this every day

Proud of my Scars

My scars mean a lot to me. They show I survived and they show I am strong enough to hold on; to still be here. I’m starting to be more open talking about self harm in the hope to break down stigma and possibly help others. I am currently 43 days free :)

A Letter to My Low Self-Esteem

From 10th July 2012:

Dear Ursula,

You have underestimated me. You may cuss and shout at me every day, every hour, every minute about how I’m not good enough; how I am a horrible person and worthless. Yet I haven’t given up. I go out and achieve things. My degree, my MA, my charity work - all this I succeeded at.

You may be bigger than I could ever imagine; cementing your posionous words in my head but I believe I can beat you. I survived anorexia. Now it’s time for you to go.

You stole my voice but bit by bit I’m gaining my voice again. From tweeting about my experiences to blog posts - I’ve even gotten over my fear of being filmed and have several vlogs for Team Recovery.

It is YOU who attempts to persuade me that no one will ever publish my book. Are you afraid your power will diminish when the true extent of your evilness is made public?

I’ll admit I’m scared of life without you. I have become accoustmed to putting myself down, not believing myself, refusing to acknowledge my achievements or accept people’s compliments. But I think it is time to find my own identity. I’m excited to find out who Rach is, as somewhere she is hiding inside me.

I’m sorry but I’m absolutely exhausted now. Having to pretend everything is okay; afraid of stigma from people or my mam panicing that this means I’m sick again.

It is time for you to disappear. And you know what? I’m confident I can beat you. I’m not in this battle alone.

So be prepared Ursula. You don’t belong here anymore.

Rach

What Recovery Means to Me

I am going to be honest and show you what life as a recovered anorexic can be like. I know that even though it can seem a long way off, you too can be free from your eating disorder as well.

• · When I come home from a night out, I always get some bread and margarine and a packet of crisps. When you are drink you need salty and greasy food!
• · I was incredibly hungover last Saturday when I was in London with my mam. I knew I needed to eat something to feel better. However I didn’t just do it because I had to; I actually wanted chips and they were amazing! I ate them with my fingers, straight from the bag, drizzled in vinegar and salt. And what a great view I had! Sitting opposite the Cutty Sark in Greenwich.
• · It is having an obsession with strawberry laces; or eating sweets in bed with a good book; it is having a huge ice cream outside the Trevvi in Rome (whilst there as a Beat ambassador!) and being so full that was your tea!
• · Of course I eat healthily too but I am not afraid of eating things that anorexia would have forbid
• · I am not afraid to try new things, eat out at restaurants or a other people’s houses where I have no control
• · From being at university and having a part time job in bars, I have learned to eat at different times of the day and eat more when needed for energy
• · I am sick of having weak bones and knees that click so to get healthy and to be able to continue my swimming, I am trying to have lots of calcium. Milkshakes, Babybel, hot chocolate etc.
• · I do not eat or drink diet stuff unless I actually prefer the taste
• · I can go swimming and not think people are staring at me
• · When I go out I wear skimpy dresses; little bra tops; halternecks; cut out dresses. I like showing off my body!
• · I have done a photo shoot in a bikini
• · I am not afraid to show boys my body nor am I scared of sex
• · I do not know my weight as why care? I go on how I look and how my clothes fit
• · I have gotten changed in front of people (In Australia there were no cubicles in the swimming pool changing rooms!)
• · I am tall and I embrace that
• · I have curves which I love and make a point of wearing clothes which flatter them
• · I exercise because I like it and want to be toned. It is not about losing weight and I am not obsessive about it
• · I know I can’t do extreme sport or a lot of it because my inflamed sternum flares up and my knees and ankles click. As an anorexic I would have ignored this and pushed myself
• · If I have seen pro-ana sites through research etc, I am not drawn into them. Instead I think not those silly sites! And click off them
• · My life does not revolve around my eating disorder
• · Looking at me you would never know I had had anorexia
• · I am not dictated by size. I have a range of sizes in my wardrobe as no two sizes are the same in shops. I know sometimes I need a 12 in coats and bikini tops as I can’t fit my boobs in!
• · I love having curves and bigger boobs. People compliment me on them and my gay friend calls me Tit tastic!

 

I hope you found this inspiring and helpful. I was honest and I hope people don’t think I was triggering or think negative things. I am a healthy, curvy size 8 who knows she doesn’t fit into every size 8 and I am fine with that.

 

Recovery to me means living my life and challenging myself rather than staying safe in my anorexic bubble.

 

Recovery means being alive. And that’s the important part. Being recovered means being alive. It means you can enjoy life and do whatever you set your mind to. I will always choose recovery and I will always raise awareness about eating disorders. I’m a survivor and you are too.

Recovery is for YOU. Make it YOURS and one day I hope you will be eating chips with your fingers too :)