Accepting My Recovered Body

So people asked Team Recovery if we could write about accepting your body once you are at your recovered weight.  As I have been at my target weight for seven years and like my body, I thought I'd give it a go to explain my journey.

I'll admit I did not love my healthy weight overnight. I remember the agony of going up a dress size and feeling like the world had ended. Going up a dress size to me meant giving up anorexia that little bit more.

In my first stages of recovery, when I was deep within the thralls of anorexia, I would cry if I gained 1kg. It was such a hard thing to explain to people - why such 'little' amount of weight gain had a devastating affect on me. Yet when I reached my 'turning point' and fully dedicated myself to recovery, I started to see this weight gain as a valuable step towards having my life back. Yes, I still often felt 'fat' and at times I felt so huge I didn't want to see anyone.

I guess what helped me was that I had started to see myself in the mirror for what I actually looked like. What was reflected in the mirror was not the grotesque, fat, gluttonous girl I expected. Instead I was faced with an emaciated, skeletal young child. I didn't want to look this way anymore. I wanted dresses to look good on me.

Most of all, weight gain equalled independance. It meant I could go to university; keep my job; go on holidays and nights out; be treated as an adult and make my own decisions.

It is hard to explain how I have managed to accept my body how it is. I suppose as I recovered and the more determined I was to beat anorexia, I realised that I was never going to be fat. I am at my natural body weight and what I like best is that I have curves now. I like the way my waist curves and that I have hips; I dress for my body shape; I love showing off my long legs; I love having breasts especially as they keep on growing :D

Although I don't believe compliments 100% yet, the fact that so many people comment on my 'great figure', I started to see it too.

I can look at the picture on this post and love what I see. I look healthy and happy :)

I like my body... in fact I even love it!

Recovery is everything I imagined and more. I never thought I’d be how I am today - I eat all anorexia’s ‘forbidden foods’; I never count calories or check the fat content of foods; I eat whenever and whatever I want; …I am not dictated by clothes size; I wear clothes that flatter and show off my shape; I have boobs; I live life to the full & enjoy new experiences; I’m not ashamed of the fact I used to have an eating disorder - it has shaped me into the person I am today, and recovering has helped me to make amazing friends and given me amazing opportunities. Anorexia does not control me. I will ALWAYS speak out about my eating disorder as how else will people know how absolutely amazingly awesome recovery is!!!!!

It frustrates me that we live in a world where people have to wait for treatment; that people are told ‘lose more weight and then you’ll qualify for treatment’; that there is so much stigma attached to eating disorders still and society thinks we do it for attention. Eating disorders kill. Eating disorders are a mental health illness. Recovery is more possible with early intervention. That’s my wish. To help every sufferer to recover. IT IS POSSIBLE.

I Am Not A Number

‘I am not a number’ - The number on the scales does not define me. I have not known my weight for 6 years. I am so much more than this

Drawings from Therapy

My snail journey picture at the beginning of my time with my counsellor :)

These are the thoughts that go on in my head from the person I call Ursula. She was my symbolism of anorexia; now she is the symbolism of my self-critical voice. My previous counsellor is the butterfly reminding me of all the good qualities I have

Inside the house on my snail journey of recovery. The monsters are how I see the things I have to overcome. Luckily on my journey I have overcome about 70% of the list!

Stop letting society dictate to you how you should look. I know so many amazing people whose potential is thwarted by society’s rules on appearance. Fuck the rules; create your own. Be who you are. Be all you are capable of doing. Throw away the scales; stop looking at calories; fight against your ED; be a RecoveryNinja just like me. I am recovered. I am happy. I am curvy and I like it! I can do whatever I put my mind to. I’m alive & I am so glad I survived.

#Anorexia is not glamourous; neither are #thinspiration #proed pictures. #Anorexia is a living hell Choose to be #ProRecovery