Accepting My Recovered Body

So people asked Team Recovery if we could write about accepting your body once you are at your recovered weight.  As I have been at my target weight for seven years and like my body, I thought I'd give it a go to explain my journey.

I'll admit I did not love my healthy weight overnight. I remember the agony of going up a dress size and feeling like the world had ended. Going up a dress size to me meant giving up anorexia that little bit more.

In my first stages of recovery, when I was deep within the thralls of anorexia, I would cry if I gained 1kg. It was such a hard thing to explain to people - why such 'little' amount of weight gain had a devastating affect on me. Yet when I reached my 'turning point' and fully dedicated myself to recovery, I started to see this weight gain as a valuable step towards having my life back. Yes, I still often felt 'fat' and at times I felt so huge I didn't want to see anyone.

I guess what helped me was that I had started to see myself in the mirror for what I actually looked like. What was reflected in the mirror was not the grotesque, fat, gluttonous girl I expected. Instead I was faced with an emaciated, skeletal young child. I didn't want to look this way anymore. I wanted dresses to look good on me.

Most of all, weight gain equalled independance. It meant I could go to university; keep my job; go on holidays and nights out; be treated as an adult and make my own decisions.

It is hard to explain how I have managed to accept my body how it is. I suppose as I recovered and the more determined I was to beat anorexia, I realised that I was never going to be fat. I am at my natural body weight and what I like best is that I have curves now. I like the way my waist curves and that I have hips; I dress for my body shape; I love showing off my long legs; I love having breasts especially as they keep on growing :D

Although I don't believe compliments 100% yet, the fact that so many people comment on my 'great figure', I started to see it too.

I can look at the picture on this post and love what I see. I look healthy and happy :)

I like my body... in fact I even love it!

Recovery is everything I imagined and more. I never thought I’d be how I am today - I eat all anorexia’s ‘forbidden foods’; I never count calories or check the fat content of foods; I eat whenever and whatever I want; …I am not dictated by clothes size; I wear clothes that flatter and show off my shape; I have boobs; I live life to the full & enjoy new experiences; I’m not ashamed of the fact I used to have an eating disorder - it has shaped me into the person I am today, and recovering has helped me to make amazing friends and given me amazing opportunities. Anorexia does not control me. I will ALWAYS speak out about my eating disorder as how else will people know how absolutely amazingly awesome recovery is!!!!!

It frustrates me that we live in a world where people have to wait for treatment; that people are told ‘lose more weight and then you’ll qualify for treatment’; that there is so much stigma attached to eating disorders still and society thinks we do it for attention. Eating disorders kill. Eating disorders are a mental health illness. Recovery is more possible with early intervention. That’s my wish. To help every sufferer to recover. IT IS POSSIBLE.

I Am Not A Number

‘I am not a number’ - The number on the scales does not define me. I have not known my weight for 6 years. I am so much more than this

Drawings from Therapy

My snail journey picture at the beginning of my time with my counsellor :)

These are the thoughts that go on in my head from the person I call Ursula. She was my symbolism of anorexia; now she is the symbolism of my self-critical voice. My previous counsellor is the butterfly reminding me of all the good qualities I have

Inside the house on my snail journey of recovery. The monsters are how I see the things I have to overcome. Luckily on my journey I have overcome about 70% of the list!

Stop letting society dictate to you how you should look. I know so many amazing people whose potential is thwarted by society’s rules on appearance. Fuck the rules; create your own. Be who you are. Be all you are capable of doing. Throw away the scales; stop looking at calories; fight against your ED; be a RecoveryNinja just like me. I am recovered. I am happy. I am curvy and I like it! I can do whatever I put my mind to. I’m alive & I am so glad I survived.

#Anorexia is not glamourous; neither are #thinspiration #proed pictures. #Anorexia is a living hell Choose to be #ProRecovery

Recovery is not a Race

Try not to think of recovery as a race. There is no time limit. Go and your own pace; what feels right for you. Sadly there is no magic formula but recovery is possible! I would say I am almost at the end of my recovery journey and I honestly hope to celebrate this every day

Proud of my Scars

My scars mean a lot to me. They show I survived and they show I am strong enough to hold on; to still be here. I’m starting to be more open talking about self harm in the hope to break down stigma and possibly help others. I am currently 43 days free :)

A Letter to My Low Self-Esteem

From 10th July 2012:

Dear Ursula,

You have underestimated me. You may cuss and shout at me every day, every hour, every minute about how I’m not good enough; how I am a horrible person and worthless. Yet I haven’t given up. I go out and achieve things. My degree, my MA, my charity work - all this I succeeded at.

You may be bigger than I could ever imagine; cementing your posionous words in my head but I believe I can beat you. I survived anorexia. Now it’s time for you to go.

You stole my voice but bit by bit I’m gaining my voice again. From tweeting about my experiences to blog posts - I’ve even gotten over my fear of being filmed and have several vlogs for Team Recovery.

It is YOU who attempts to persuade me that no one will ever publish my book. Are you afraid your power will diminish when the true extent of your evilness is made public?

I’ll admit I’m scared of life without you. I have become accoustmed to putting myself down, not believing myself, refusing to acknowledge my achievements or accept people’s compliments. But I think it is time to find my own identity. I’m excited to find out who Rach is, as somewhere she is hiding inside me.

I’m sorry but I’m absolutely exhausted now. Having to pretend everything is okay; afraid of stigma from people or my mam panicing that this means I’m sick again.

It is time for you to disappear. And you know what? I’m confident I can beat you. I’m not in this battle alone.

So be prepared Ursula. You don’t belong here anymore.

Rach

What Recovery Means to Me

I am going to be honest and show you what life as a recovered anorexic can be like. I know that even though it can seem a long way off, you too can be free from your eating disorder as well.

• · When I come home from a night out, I always get some bread and margarine and a packet of crisps. When you are drink you need salty and greasy food!
• · I was incredibly hungover last Saturday when I was in London with my mam. I knew I needed to eat something to feel better. However I didn’t just do it because I had to; I actually wanted chips and they were amazing! I ate them with my fingers, straight from the bag, drizzled in vinegar and salt. And what a great view I had! Sitting opposite the Cutty Sark in Greenwich.
• · It is having an obsession with strawberry laces; or eating sweets in bed with a good book; it is having a huge ice cream outside the Trevvi in Rome (whilst there as a Beat ambassador!) and being so full that was your tea!
• · Of course I eat healthily too but I am not afraid of eating things that anorexia would have forbid
• · I am not afraid to try new things, eat out at restaurants or a other people’s houses where I have no control
• · From being at university and having a part time job in bars, I have learned to eat at different times of the day and eat more when needed for energy
• · I am sick of having weak bones and knees that click so to get healthy and to be able to continue my swimming, I am trying to have lots of calcium. Milkshakes, Babybel, hot chocolate etc.
• · I do not eat or drink diet stuff unless I actually prefer the taste
• · I can go swimming and not think people are staring at me
• · When I go out I wear skimpy dresses; little bra tops; halternecks; cut out dresses. I like showing off my body!
• · I have done a photo shoot in a bikini
• · I am not afraid to show boys my body nor am I scared of sex
• · I do not know my weight as why care? I go on how I look and how my clothes fit
• · I have gotten changed in front of people (In Australia there were no cubicles in the swimming pool changing rooms!)
• · I am tall and I embrace that
• · I have curves which I love and make a point of wearing clothes which flatter them
• · I exercise because I like it and want to be toned. It is not about losing weight and I am not obsessive about it
• · I know I can’t do extreme sport or a lot of it because my inflamed sternum flares up and my knees and ankles click. As an anorexic I would have ignored this and pushed myself
• · If I have seen pro-ana sites through research etc, I am not drawn into them. Instead I think not those silly sites! And click off them
• · My life does not revolve around my eating disorder
• · Looking at me you would never know I had had anorexia
• · I am not dictated by size. I have a range of sizes in my wardrobe as no two sizes are the same in shops. I know sometimes I need a 12 in coats and bikini tops as I can’t fit my boobs in!
• · I love having curves and bigger boobs. People compliment me on them and my gay friend calls me Tit tastic!

 

I hope you found this inspiring and helpful. I was honest and I hope people don’t think I was triggering or think negative things. I am a healthy, curvy size 8 who knows she doesn’t fit into every size 8 and I am fine with that.

 

Recovery to me means living my life and challenging myself rather than staying safe in my anorexic bubble.

 

Recovery means being alive. And that’s the important part. Being recovered means being alive. It means you can enjoy life and do whatever you set your mind to. I will always choose recovery and I will always raise awareness about eating disorders. I’m a survivor and you are too.

Recovery is for YOU. Make it YOURS and one day I hope you will be eating chips with your fingers too :)

The Many Faces of Anorexia

From the 31st October:
I am helping my friend with her uni essay about the personality traits in the development, course and outcome of an eating disorder. Here are some of mine:

Development of anorexia:

unrealistic expectations - I thought I had to achieve As in anything to be seen as good enough. If I didn’t, I was a failure and my parents would be disappointed in me.

I thought I could only have lots of friends if I was skinny, beautiful, gorgeous (everything I wasn’t)

addictive - I was addicted to the rush I got from not eating for days on end.

perfectionism and high achiever - All I could think about was college work. I was so involved in studying & my eating disorder, I actually used to do homework set in my 9am lesson in my morning break! It was also a way to stop people making silly comments to me about my weight.

I studied constantly. I wanted to be the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect daughter. I was very eager to please & be there for everybody.

Intelligent - I got high marks all the time, yet in college there were lots of clever people & I felt out of my depth.

Quiet/shy - I kept myself to myself always grateful to be invited places & seen to be popular. I’d never had a boyfriend.

Control - I liked to know what I was mean to be doing and when.

During my anorexia:

I had a lot of negative personality traits which are regarded to have been part of my illness.

Selfish - I mostly thought about me & pleasing anorexia. I barely cared about anyone else, making people cry.

Argumentative - I argued with friends, family & the unit. No, I was not anorexic. No I would not gain weight. I used to swear and shout at my psychologists, telling them I hated them.

Self-absorbed - I was in my anorexic world. All I thought about was calories and ways of losing weight.

Liar - I lied to everyone. I said I wasn’t anorexic, I was eating. At the unit, I lied about exercising. I lied about my supplement drinks (I barely drank any). I hid food at nearly every mealtime. I made myself sick. I tried to run away. I self harmed. I did everything to please anorexia and I didn’t care who I hurt. To me anorexia was my best friend.

Perfectionist & high achiever - Although I was not in college full time, I studied constantly handing in assignments early and doing extra work. I wanted to be the best.

I had to be active all the time. I couldn’t just sit watching TV. I saw this as being lazy & a waste of space.

Control - Because I could no longer control my food, I tried to control my family instead by dictating when we ate and what we did.

Quiet/shy - I was even more timid when anorexic, as I spent a lot of my time at home. I lost friends. I got upset easily.

My mam says I was possessed & she had to remind herself that her daughter was still there.

It is hard to remember what life was like as an anorexic - from the ages of 16 - 20 my life is quite blank.

Outcome of anorexia :

Perfectionism & high achiever - I still am both of these; I have just learnt to control them. I no longer study constantly but I do like to be active & learn new things. I am always striving for better & place a lot of pressure on myself.

I constantly want to look good, worry about my appearance & compare myself to others.

Quiet/shy - I am not as shy as I once was. In fact, I talk a lot & would seem confident. To be honest, most of it is an act. Really I’m shy, insecure & want to be liked. I go out of my way to please others, to be there for them at all times yet often people take advantage of my kindness & play on my insecurities.

I am behind people my own age.

Competitive - I didn’t really have anyone to compete with but now when anyone says they’re going on a diet; I always know I will beat them!

Low self esteem - throughout the course of my life and anorexia.
I don’t respect who I am which is why I put up with poor treatment from boys and friends. When boys treat me badly I believe it is how I am meant to be treated.

Is Anyone Out There?

From 6th November:

This post is from last year but it is still relevant now. I have had boys say I am ‘intimidating’ but that’s only because they knew I had a Masters and lived in Australia!

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Is there anyone out there?

I realise it has been a ridiculous amount of time since I last wrote on here! I’ve been busy with work and social things including being at London Fashion Week which was so amazing!

My blog today is about guys and the fact none of them can deal with the fact I used to have an eating disorder. Sometimes I feel like shouting note: I USED TO have an eating disorder. I am recovered now and it barely affects my life, except for some health problems and a little insecurity. Yet as soon as someone even sees I used to be anorexic they go funny on me.

You will have read the posts before about the guy in Australia and my ex who used it to his advantage.

Now I have had one guy who had asked me out but the time he added me on facebook, I had posted a link to a recent article on my anorexia. Needless to say I never heard from him again. Some would say he’s not worth it, which is true. Its just yet another example of guys not accepting I am recovered.

Now I have had a boy who has been interested in me for over a year, asking if we have a chance. I said I dont know- most are put off by my past. He said the past is the past (exactly!) but I questioned him more he thinks my past is just my ex. Nope. In a fit of frustration I told him to google me, read the articles and we will seee if he is still interested. Surprise surprise I have not heard from him since.

Maybe its not just the anorexia. Maybe its the fact through anorexia, I have given presentations at the House of Commons and in Italy; been at an awards ceremony in the Victoria and Albert museum; been on the front covers of the newspaper; been on the radio and am writing a book. Maybe its more they can’t handle my success? I dont know. I’m done with it all.

What caused my anorexia

Not that I think anyone believed that twit that I didn’t know what an eating disorder was but I do know some people believe anorexia is only about appearance (i.e some woman said it was only out of vanity!) so I thought I’d share some of the reasons why I developed anorexia aged 16.

1. Bullied by my friends at school - I wanted to be invisible then no one could pick on me anymore
2. A guy at school constantly called me a dog and ugly - since I had never had a boyfriend, I believed him
3. Family issues - a lot of things; most significant that sadly my eldest brother is an alcoholic
4. I didn’t fit in anywhere
5. Perfectionism
6. Expectations at school; college and within society
7. I thought that by keeping myself as a child I would please my parents
8. Control
9. My anorexic world was safe

As always I want to stress that I am glad I recovered; I feel so lucky to be alive and I will ALWAYS raise awareness of eating disorders and show recovery is possible!

What Anorexia Is Really Like

From 30th November 2012; this was after I appeared on BBC3 and a guy called Venice, who basically wrote a pro-ana book, made me upset by trying to say I did not have a clue about eating disorders!

This is something else I had wanted to say to Venice on Tuesday night. His claims that being really thin is healthier than anything else is dangerous.

I didn’t realise the extent of what was happening to my body. My hands started to turn blue and I was always freezing even on a hot summer’s day. What I didn’t realise was my body was shutting down and I was weeks from death.

This is what happens:

• My brain shrunk - I had low levels of concentration, I was irritable
• My heart started to eat itself. There not enough body fat to protect the heart, anaemia, which weakens the blood, can develop and there is commonly poor circulation. This means that the heart is not able to pump and circulate blood effectively.Severe anorexia results in the loss of muscle mass, including heart muscle. Consequently, the muscles of the heart can physically weaken, there can be an overall drop in blood pressure and pulse can contribute to slower breathing rates.
• My body shut off everything except what was vital to live
• Light hair grew on my body in an attempt to keep me warm
• I had chillblains; my body was always freezing
• I had low levels of blood; white blood cells and protein
• I was so weak that once I had been stopped by the unit it took me about 30 minutes to walk a 5 minute walk
• My hair fell out
• Having a bath or sitting down hurt because the bones in my bottom and back stuck out so much
• I lost my periods. To this day I still don’t know if I can have children
• I developed osteoporosis in my spine; although it has since improved I still have weak bones - my ankles and knees click; my hips and elbows hurt
• I now have an inflamed sternum from overexercising

Anorexia is NOT glamorous. Anorexia is not for attention or out of vanity.
I know I am extremely lucky to have survived. This year marked my eight years of ‘being alive’ - I may still have down days but I am glad to be alive; I am glad to have recovered.

Being Recovered

I am not ashamed of having suffered from anorexia

I don’t allow anorexia to take over anymore

I live each day as it comes

I barely think of calories or look at fat content in food

I can go on dates at restaurants and have sweets at the cinema on a date

I haven’t known my weight for six years

My parents no longer question me about food

They know if I’m out until late, I’ll have something when I come in

The only foods I don’t eat are foods I didn’t really eat before I was ill - cakes, desserts, biscuits

I adore having curves and am comfortable in my body

I enjoy dressing to flatter my figure

I know I am more than what I look like

Goals for 2013

From 1st January:

Find a new job in my field - counselling;

Successfully pass first year of my diploma;

Find a placement;

Travel more and meet my friends from Twitter;

Not let my ex Alex anywhere in my life;

Gain more confidence;

Finish my book and perhaps get it published;

Continue with my charity work;

Respect myself and believe in myself more.

Realising I Deserve More

Before, I used to be scared,
Scared of what would annoy you next.

Before, I used to think,
This was how I deserved to be treated.

Before, I believed everything you said,
When deep down you never cared for me.

Before, I used to think,
That every other girl was better than me.

Before, I thought everything was my fault,
But you put me down to make up for your own shortcomings.

Now, I know I deserve better than this.
I deserve to be treated with respect.

Now, I won’t let you stop me from,
Becoming who I want to be.

Now, I barely give you a thought,
When before I thought about you all the time.

Now, you no longer mean anything to me.
I don’t want you in my life.

Now, I feel more like me again.
I am free

Used to be showingrecoveryispossible.blogspot.com

You may remember me from showingrecoveryispossible.blogspot.com - since my email address no longer exists I have started A BRAND new blog and come back to blogspot from tumblr. Hope you like