A Letter to My Low Self-Esteem

From 10th July 2012:

Dear Ursula,

You have underestimated me. You may cuss and shout at me every day, every hour, every minute about how I’m not good enough; how I am a horrible person and worthless. Yet I haven’t given up. I go out and achieve things. My degree, my MA, my charity work - all this I succeeded at.

You may be bigger than I could ever imagine; cementing your posionous words in my head but I believe I can beat you. I survived anorexia. Now it’s time for you to go.

You stole my voice but bit by bit I’m gaining my voice again. From tweeting about my experiences to blog posts - I’ve even gotten over my fear of being filmed and have several vlogs for Team Recovery.

It is YOU who attempts to persuade me that no one will ever publish my book. Are you afraid your power will diminish when the true extent of your evilness is made public?

I’ll admit I’m scared of life without you. I have become accoustmed to putting myself down, not believing myself, refusing to acknowledge my achievements or accept people’s compliments. But I think it is time to find my own identity. I’m excited to find out who Rach is, as somewhere she is hiding inside me.

I’m sorry but I’m absolutely exhausted now. Having to pretend everything is okay; afraid of stigma from people or my mam panicing that this means I’m sick again.

It is time for you to disappear. And you know what? I’m confident I can beat you. I’m not in this battle alone.

So be prepared Ursula. You don’t belong here anymore.

Rach